C-Section Birth Stories: Jessica Cyterski

A Note from C-Section Strong™: I am adding a content warning for this story for a very brief mention of sexual assault and a descriptive painful/traumatic birth experience.

1. Please share the circumstances that led to your c-section birth(s):

I was scheduled for an induction, being overdue at 41 weeks and 1 day. My OB wasn’t comfortable having me go to 42 weeks and at that point, I was ready to meet my little girl and running low on patience. However, the night before, I went into labor on my own. I labored all night and we went to the hospital around 2 am when contractions were 2 minutes apart and hard to talk through. I had a birth plan going in that I worked on for months with my doula and when I got to the hospital, my nurses were immediately discouraging of my preferences. No epidural!? Our nurse kept reminding me how much it will hurt and how long it will last, trying to convince me to change my mind. I had gone in knowing that I might get an epidural so I wanted to stay flexible but also wanted to see how long I could go without/if I could labor naturally. Around 8 am my fiancé and I were so sleep-deprived, so I wanted to see how far along I was to make my decision on getting an epidural. If it was to be much longer I knew I needed a nap to regroup for this delivery. I was 2 centimeters. Feeling defeated, I got the epidural; it felt like from that point on my preferences and desires were constantly challenged or politely ignored. Being a first-time mom and without my doula, due to the pandemic restrictions, it felt like I wasn’t listened to during my labor. The epidural was very strong and I felt lifeless afterward (after asking for a really low amount). I hated how I felt. Also, being a sexual assault survivor I am very uncomfortable with having little control over my body but I was able to sleep for a large part of the day and my fiancé was right next to me the entire time - two very good things.

I was also given Pitocin mid-day. I tried to hold off for as long as I could but my OB was pretty insistent and I wasn’t dilating fast at all. When it came time to push, I was so nervous that I wouldn’t have any sensation so I stopped the drip for the epidural. In the first half-hour of pushing I felt sensation finally returning, along with pressure, and pain. But I was excited - I gave it my all and I was ready to meet our girl. I pushed for almost two hours. I remember my OB continuously checking in and shouting that if I couldn’t push this baby out she would do it for me. But the nurses during this shift were really encouraging. However, her head was tilted in upright and she was sunny side up so it was difficult to push her through. Also, my contractions started coming slower and with less intensity so my OB started to become very discouraged in my abilities. I recall asking to change positions, to at least sit and push so that there might be some change but no one listened.

Then the vacuum was declared to try and help me get her out. I didn’t feel fully aware of the circumstances and personally didn’t feel confident this was the right move. But at that point, my doctor took over and no one was listening to me anyway. When she attempted the vacuum, my baby’s heartbeat started to drop (which no one told me so I wasn’t clear on what was happening at all) and they declared an emergency c-section. I was terrified. At that moment, I felt as if I had done something wrong, that I failed. I have never had surgery before and when I was asking the nurse staff what was wrong no one would answer me - they just shoved papers in my face to sign. I couldn’t even see with so many tears. I was in the operating room within minutes and my fiancé was nowhere to be found. Again, I asked and asked for him but the nurses kept telling me to calm down. I was on the table totally naked, scared, and I remembered my birth plan and what we discussed about c-sections. So I tried to ask for a clear drape, I tried to remind someone about delayed cord clamping or immediate skin-to-skin and someone came to me and said “We don’t have time for all of that”. This scared me more and that something must be really wrong. My mind raced and at that point, I wasn’t even sure if I would be meeting my little one at the end of this.

Then I realized as they started prepping me that I had full sensation - I panicked and told the anesthesiologist next to my head that I could feel everything they were doing. He told me not to worry and he would take care of it. Seconds later when it was about to begin, I saw my fiancé run into the room out of the corner of my eye; he made it just in time. Then I felt it - I was told I would feel pressure but I felt tearing and it hurt like nothing I’d ever experienced before, and then tugging and pulling and I screamed. It hurt like I was being torn apart and I squeezed my eyes shut and yelled out I could feel what was happening. I was told I would feel pressure but I had so much more sensation than that. It was terrifying and I felt like I was being tortured. My fiancé tried to console me but at the same time was yelling at the anesthesiologist to give me more drugs. I was sobbing in pain and my fiancé began to cry too. Then we heard her - I faintly heard my daughter’s cry and my fiancé kept reminding me to just focus on her and it would all be over soon. That’s when I passed out. Maybe from the pain or from the drugs hitting at once, I don’t know. But I missed the birth. I never saw her come out of me, I didn’t see my fiancé cut the umbilical cord, missed her being checked by the NICU team (being so overdue she had experienced meconium), I missed her getting her footprints, and her first moments. That is the part that hurts me the most.

I woke up in a recovery area of the nurses’ station with our daughter next to me in the warming panda and my fiancé sitting between us. I woke up in searing pain and just sobbed. When they asked if I wanted to hold her I hesitated for a while. I couldn’t believe what I had just gone through and almost couldn’t bear to have her near me. I was in such distress.

2. What surprised you the most about having a c-section?: 

I had read so many birth stories in preparation and I had read about traumatic birth and c-sections, even c-sections where the mother could feel the procedure and I 100% thought that would never happen to me. I am relatively young, healthy, and I had a healthy pregnancy. I figured I would go in and have a vaginal birth, that not everything would necessarily go according to plan but that ultimately it would happen mostly as I intended. I didn’t realize that especially an emergency c-section can happen to any woman and any delivery - no one is exempt from the possibility. So I never really mentally prepped myself for that outcome. I was also surprised that I could have so much pain during the procedure, that it could become so traumatic. I think more education should be accessible on the procedure itself and I should have discussed more with my OB (everyone should) on what circumstances might lead her to declare the need for a c-section.

3. What kind of support do you feel you received (from friends, family, healthcare team) after your c-section(s)?:

I feel like my largest support system was first my fiancé and then my doula (even though she wasn’t physically present). Both of them were always 110% on my side, ready to hear me out and to also help me cope. And if I didn’t have my fiancé during that moment and throughout, I really don’t think I would have recovered as well as I have. Now I’m 5 weeks postpartum and while I still get saddened by my experience I have been able to move forward and not let the trauma swallow me. I am so grateful that our little girl is safe and healthy and that I get to be her momma. Our family is what keeps me positive. However, the nurse staff afterward was not at all considerate of what we just went through. The first day or so my fiancé and I didn’t even feel comfortable hearing congratulations from our loved ones - we spent that first night in tears - it really felt like we just survived a war or something and it was hard to process and it also wasn’t a secret. The nurses kept asking if we wanted more kids, they would tend to my pads, etc. (because I was bedridden at first) and not pull up my underwear because they knew I couldn’t move so it didn’t matter. I really felt while they were polite, I was let down by the whole hospital experience and it wasn’t until we got home that I could really begin to feel better.

4. What’s your #1 piece of advice/encouragement for a new c-section mom?:

For someone who just experienced a c-section - I see you. Forget what it so commonly coined “normal” birth for vaginal deliveries, c-section births are normal too - we also birthed a human. So my piece of advice is to make sure you feel seen and heard on your experiences - this account for example helped/helps me with that. Because no matter how it’s accomplished, a birth is a birth, and knowing you are not alone is so important.

5. How do you believe having a c-section birth(s) made you stronger?:

Because mine was so traumatic I think I gained strength simply from having survived the experience and being able to move forward and now hopefully share my stories for others. But any c-section is major surgery and the recovery process can be so much longer and harder, so I think anyone making it through this becomes stronger inevitably. It can take such a toll on your body physically, and then if your birth didn’t go according to plan it can take an even larger toll on you mentally. Being able to stay positive in the face of all of that is the most difficult.

Name: Jessica Cyterski, Marketing

Country of Residence: CA, USA

Instagram Username: @cyterski