C-Section Birth Stories: Anonymous Mama

1. Briefly, please share the circumstances that led to your c-section birth(s):

As much as I wanted children, I could never imagine myself giving birth vaginally. I was absolutely terrified; mainly of the unpredictability and the risk of something going wrong and the baby suffering. Hearing c-sections discussed so frequently in the media somehow planted a seed in my head that this is the way I would give birth - it sounded safe and most importantly to me, controlled and predictable. Part of my decision to have private maternity care was due to the desire to be able to opt for a c-section. When a back (spine) doctor suggested a c-section might be a better option given my (minor) back condition, I jumped on this as a reason to justify my choice. Ultimately though I decided I would try for a vaginal birth, unless induction became necessary in which case I would opt for a c-section instead (being more afraid at the time of an induced delivery). Several days after my due date, my waters broke, my contractions were irregular, and my doctor wanted to induce me to avoid the risk of infection. At that moment I decided to have a c-section.

2. What surprised you the most about having a c-section?:

Although it was semi-planned, I hadn’t fully appreciated how difficult recovery would be physically and I wasn’t prepared for how I would react to the c-section emotionally afterward. Before the birth, I was so focused on the actual birth, the short-term. It wasn’t until afterward that it really hit home that an incision is made into the womb and that this is forever. In the days that followed, this fact dawned on me as did a sense of loss and guilt. I grieved for what I perceived as the loss of my fertility and I felt deep guilt towards any future children when I learned of the possible (though rare) implications that a c-section can pose to future pregnancies.

3. What kind of support do you feel you received (from friends, family, healthcare team) after your c-section(s)?:

I received great support, physical and emotional, from the postnatal team at the hospital. When I went home, my husband, parents, parents-in-law, and part-time night nurse gave me wonderful round-the-clock support. I’m not sure how I would have coped without them.

4. What’s your #1 piece of advice/encouragement for a new c-section mom?:

Know that you are not alone. Know that you will feel better. Don’t let negative feelings rob you of the precious moments with your baby. If you feel down, it can feel impossible to ignore those feelings, but rather than ignore them try to put them to one side and let the positive feelings shine in as well, at the same time. There is no rule to say that you can’t feel absolute despair and absolute joy simultaneously. It’s how I have felt for the last two months. It can be very painful, very poignant to feel both ways at the same time, but it reassures me to know I have some precious happy memories of the newborn period too.

5. How do you believe having a c-section birth(s) made you stronger?:

The c-section has forced me to work on my mental strength and resilience. In the weeks after the birth, I felt so sad and despairing. I would break down into tears in front of my family, friends, and really anyone who asked me how I was. I yearned for the bliss and peace that I thought would come with such a momentous and joyous milestone that is having your first child and I wished I could turn back time and make a different decision. I could feel myself sliding into a black hole of despair. Searching for other similar birth stories to feel less alone, I realized that most were about emergency or necessary c-sections. Also, many people considered c-sections the worst-case scenario. This made me feel very alone and as if I was the only person “ignorant” enough to choose a c-section without medical necessity. I felt terrible guilt that I had messed up my chance of true happiness and consequently my husband’s, because how could he be happy if I was not? And I was afraid to put on a brave face because keeping it all inside made me feel isolated. One day I decided that I would just have to change my state of mind, before losing the blessings that I do have. I would be happy for my husband, baby, and loved ones. This is where I currently am at. In time I hope this will bring me happiness too. Now I flex my happiness muscles whenever sad thoughts creep in and they are getting fewer and farther between. This experience has prepared me better to face the rest of my life because curveballs are part and parcel of a life lived.

Update from the mama since writing her story: “As an update, I’ve mostly come to terms with my decision and overall would say I’m happy again.”

*This mama chose to remain anonymous