C-Section Birth Stories: Katharine McAllister

1. Briefly, please share the circumstances that led to your c-section birth(s):

The Monday before my induction date, we had an ultrasound. My darling baby had flipped wrong-side-up into a breech position. My eyes widened as the doctor told us the news. She told us, “You know, it’s still possible for her to flip. But in the case that she doesn’t, I would not feel comfortable delivering her vaginally myself. It would have to be a c-section. But you are free to find another doctor who would do a vaginal breech birth for you if that’s what you want to do.”

My husband and I, after careful consideration, decided together that we wouldn’t be comfortable with delivering a breech baby vaginally.

So that week, we tried everything to get the baby to flip. I mean, everything. Every single last thing we researched, we tried. You name it, we did it. But I had this feeling in my heart, a feeling of acceptance.
The reality was, I had no control over whether my baby would flip or not. Sure, I could do all those things to encourage it to happen, but ultimately it was out of my control and I had to accept that.

Time passed and we saw our doctor for another ultrasound. Our child was still breech, so we scheduled a date for our c-section.

2. What surprised you the most about having a c-section?:

I hated hospitals and I hated surgery. When I was 11 years old, I got horribly injured. I was stuck in the hospital for a long time. I lived a life of surgeries, recoveries, and endless pain medications. It was honestly quite traumatizing. I had developed a lot of anxiety for hospitals and surgeries. The idea of being awake and alert during a major surgery was kind of my worst nightmare!

My anxiety grew and grew as the time for surgery approached. The day we went into the hospital, I was filled with absolute dread. I can’t put into words the pure anxiety that I felt at that point. I was positively terrified. The energy of the extreme anxiety and terror surged through my veins, it was scorching hot and practically mind-numbing.

3. What kind of support do you feel you received (from friends, family, healthcare team) after your c-section(s)?:

My husband was an amazing support. He was there to hold my hand, encourage me, and support me. We were both about as active and energetic as the walking dead, but still, he did everything he could to make sure I didn't feel alone in recovery. My doctor was attentive and caring, I always felt safe going to her with my concerns.

4. What’s your #1 piece of advice/encouragement for a new c-section mom?:

I’ve come to understand something for myself. This is just my opinion, it's something that's true for me. The circumstances in which my baby and I first met is the least important part of our life together. It is every moment after that really counts.

Every time I hold her hand, every tear wiped from her chubby cheek, every nose crinkling giggle, every early morning cuddle, every messy meal time with bananas stuck to every inch of her face. Every time I softly sing to her, every time I scoop her off the floor to comfort her, every time I look into her big blue eyes. Every bubble bath, every milestone, every storytime. Every single one of those moments is what defines our relationship. They are what make me a mother.

She came into my life from behind a curtain. I didn’t see her arrival, I didn’t hold her in my arms seconds after. I didn’t get to calm her with the sound of my voice.

But now I see her every day. I do calm her with the sound of my voice. I hold her in my arms. I watch her grow. I see her triumphs and falls. This little, special person fills and enriches every corner of my heart. My whole soul is bound to love her, protect her, and make her smile. She is my world, my universe.

She was created in my womb. She came out of an opening in my body and just because that opening wasn’t my vagina, it does not rob me of the honor, grace, or joy of motherhood. I am enough, my body is enough, and it always will be.

My story is different than that of others, and that’s ok.

I chose what I knew was the safest option for my baby girl. I set aside my wants and did what she needed. I faced the terror of surgery, one of my biggest fears, so that she’d have a better chance of having a safe delivery. It was one of the scariest, hardest things I’ve ever been through, but I did it for her. I look at my scar and remember that I did it for her and I would do it again, and again, and again if it meant that she’d be ok.

5. How do you believe having a c-section birth(s) made you stronger?:

I faced one of the most psychologically and emotionally challenging experiences in my whole life. The anxiety, stress, and terror were still fresh in my body and mind when I met my baby girl for the first time. I was obviously not in an emotional or psychological state where I could really be present for the first moments of life with my baby. I was caught in a haze of “What the hell just happened?”.

They handed my daughter to me, swaddled in a blanket, and again I could feel nothing. Complete numbness. Everyone in the room was staring at me, so I smiled and behaved in a way that I thought a new mom should act. I shed some tears (wasn’t hard to force those out, I felt like crying almost the entire day anyway).

My baby felt like a complete stranger as if she belonged to somebody else. I did not want to hold her. She looked and felt so unfamiliar, I couldn’t even fathom that she was mine. It was a whirlwind of a day. I had a perfect recovery, a lot faster and smoother than most. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, OCD, and anxiety on the side. There was a lot to learn, a lot to experience, a lot to go through.

But honestly, I realize that I'm a stronger, wiser, more capable woman because of the things I've been through. Life isn't meant to be easy. We grow from the challenges. I am grateful for who I am now because of the things I learned and went through.

Name: Katharine McAllister

Your Profession: Educator

How to Connect With You on Social Media: @katharinemmcallister on Instagram